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My Sacred Dreamscape's Journal
Below are the 17 most recent journal entries.
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2005.04.05 19.13
You don't have to read this...
Ok... i just need to write things down just to get them off my chest. So my grandfather sick. He started off with deep vein thrombosis and pneumonia and he was admitted into the hospital. Then the doctors figured out that part of the thrombus broke off and went into his lungs. This was comprimising his breathing along with the pneumonia. The blood clot also started off the domino effect that eventually led to congestive heart failure. Grandpa George also never told us about the myeloma he had as well. All that happened 3 weeks ago. Last weekend i was finally able to exercize in the most ghetto way possible. Fise, Dave, Jon, Sarah and I were playing tennis with no net and 100 foot rope to replace it. Fise then got a call on his cell from my parent's which i picked up. They then told me that Grandpa George is dying from liver and lymph node cancer and he has 3-6 months to live. That was hard. I was sooo woried about my Meme (grandmother) and everyone else in my family. So he came home yesterday on hospice to help him become more comfortable. Today he was told that the cancer spread to his lungs and he has a blood infection (septicemia). According to the doctors he has less than a month to live. I'm soo rediculously scared. With all my other family members that have ever died i never got to say goodbye. But now i have the chance but i don't know what to say? What to you say to someone you know you will never see again in your life? This is really bothering me.... I just don't know what to say. It is really easy when they're my patients but as soon as its your family i blank out... or in some cases pass out. I don't think i'm going to be able to overcome my emotions either. i don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing either. Is it bad to cry in front of someone thats dying? I just am expecting bad news now every time i call my parents. I really don't like this feeling. Thank God for wonderful friends and an extremely caring boyfriend who would proably dance naked on the top of Fox to make me feel better. I just wish i had more time to collect my thoughts and prepare to say goodbye.... but God doesn't have that in the plans so all i can do is support my grandpa as much as i can.... i'm soo selfish. He's dying... he's the one who i should worry about. Not what i should be saying. What is wrong with me?
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2004.12.05 21.15
Oh yeah!
No matter what I do I can't get away from things thinking i'm younger than I actually am... GRRRR!!!
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2004.05.15 23.31
*OUCH!*
So once again i'm sitting here with a headache and praying for it to go away before i beat it out of my own head. It seems like there are three type of people in the world... the kind that get frequent headaches (like me and krystina), the people who get rare headaches(like once a year) and people who have never had a headache ever! To those people i really despise you right now. Don't take it to heart though because its just chemical imbalance or whatever causes my headaches. This is the weirdest one ever though. Everything i touch and that touches me feels like velvet. It even feels like i'm looking through velvet. Its the strangest thing ever. I have been getting interesting headaches latley. The last one i had was the night of Zach's birthday party. My head would complely spazm and i would lean forward and arc my head down. Plus it felt like the world was kinda lagging. Like i would be looking at something and then someone would put something in front of me and i would complely freak out because all of a sudden it was there. I don't know... i guess i should go to the doctors for this but they'll proably do what they did for my sister. They'll just look at me and say "your faking your headaches to get out of classes arn't you?" I don't want to deal with that shit. Doctors are stupid sometimes. They even tried to scare my sister into confessing saying that she would need a shot every time she got another migrane. My mom yelled at them like they should have been but still. It's extremely hard to fake a migrane. You can tell. Next time you see me and it looks like i had the worst day ever and my face is distored, i have tears streaming down my cheeks, i'm sheilding my eyes from all the light, and i'm covering my ears from all the sound you know that i have a migrane. Can't someone take over my headaches for one day please?
I kinda wish that could be done. Just kinda take a break from pain and have someone else feel it for you for a day. That would be absolutly great right now. Its not always just my head that hurts its the look on Fise's face when he sees me and he knows i have another one. It's just this sad look because he hates to see me go through them. The worst ones nobody has ever seen. I remember when i was in high school i closed my windows, my blinds, closed my curtains and threw blankets over them. I also shoved blankets under my door and all the way around to block out all the light... i stayed like that for 4 days straight, only leaving to pee and maybe get a scrap of food if i decided i wanted to fight to keep it down. I stayed like that for 4 days. I dread the next time another one like that will come. Does someone want to swap pain receptors one of those days? It would be greatly appreciated. Well if your still reading... i'll give you props. Even i wouldn't read all of this depressing shit. Don't feel sorry for me either... that'snot why i'm posting it... i'm just pissed and i needed to get it off my chest. Eveyone lives with problems... this is mine.
I'm off to bed... Goodnight everyone... I'll be ok.
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2004.04.26 10.01
Crazy!
i was up til 4:30am last night because of phychem... grr... so tired *crash*
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2004.04.12 23.58
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Why is everyone crazy all the time!? It bothers me when people go through so much unessary drama. Like my sister for one. Her bf treats her like shit and when i talk to her about it shes like "YOU NEVER LIKE ANY OF MY BOYFRIENDS!!" Yeah well she ends up hating them all in the end too. People are blind sometimes too. They just deny things are happening. Like sometimes when i go home i ask my mom if i can sleep in my bed with fise so there isnt all the confusion of kicking my sister out of her room and so forth. She still makes me sleep in the next room. Like we don't fall asleep together at school enought! AHHHHHHH dont mind my tangent. I guess i'm just kind of pissed off at the world tomorrow because i have an oral presentaion due that i'm so scared about. Its worth like 50% of our grade and from what the powerpoint looks like it looks like i did shit. I actually set up the whole entire thing and typed in 62 slides choc-full-o-stuff. At least my group says i deserve an A so they can grade me for what i actually did and not what it looks like i did.
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Sarah I Luv YA!!!!!!!
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Melanie if you read this i miss you a whole bunch and i hope to see you next time you come home. Hugs (but not so tight to hurt your hip more) and i hope you can run again soon.
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OK... i'm late to bed now which is horrible because i have a presentation tomorrow at 8am. Wish me luck!!! GOODNIGHT (sorry about the rant)
Mood:  crappy
Music: Metallica~Hero of the day
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2004.04.07 10.16
I feel horrible right now. I was questioned about Melanie and i felt like i said too much. I'm scared when she finds out she's going to be mad at me. I have no way of knowing now because she is so diffrent now and according to koulas she is being "brainwashed" at AIT. I'm just so weak that when people grill me i crack. Mel if you read this i love you. Don't be mad at me.
Financial aid gave me the biggest scare of my life though yesterday. I went to take care of a hold flag and they told me that i have 7000 dollars due! I freaked and i didn't know what to do. Eventually when i was there after a million attempts to call my mother i finally sat down and relax. She had to drive up at 7:15 am this morning to take care of it. i felt bad but it's all better now. Oh... I should go register now because i get my scrubs on May 3 :-D. I'm all excited. I'm going to be doing Maternity and pediatrics first for my rotation! That's the best. I'm going to be able to work with little kids and babies :-). That makes everything and every piece of shit i've had to pick up for the beginning of college feel so much better. I'm almost there!
Mood:  ecstatic
Music: Third Eye Blind- Wake for Young Souls
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2004.03.25 13.58
Grrr!
Let me see... i'm bored out of my mind yet i have tons to do. I have to get out of this rut and study hard again for something other than PhyChem. I don't know why but i keep studying that and neglecting nutrition and gerontology.
People really bother me sometimes. Today i got my exam back for Statistics and i got a 66. I was really sad until i looked at an answer that i knew i got right. The question was:
A nurse picked two equal groups of people and gave one group a
placebo and the other a medication for back pain. The doctor found
that....
and it goes on with random numbers and shiznat. The question was: is it a double blind study? All the nursing majors in the class said no and he marked it wrong. He said it was a double blind study because the doctor didn't know but by the book definition it said that the patients and the medical personell working with the patients didn't know who was getting what drug. I fought with him over it (nicely trying to bring up my failing grade) and he pretty much told me that nurses are robots and they are just there to administer meds. I went into the hallway and screamed after he gave me 1 point out of 3. It didn't make me very happy. That and the fact that he told me that he would talk to me after class and when i went to talk to him him he told me "i don't want to hear anymore of this" and that was it. I HATE IGNORANT PEOPLE!!!!!!!
Melanie called me last night for about 5 min. it was fun i miss her so much. It was great to talk to her and figure out how the many diffrent parts of the world are. I can't wait till she gets to her base in Georgia so i can go visit her maybe someday.
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2004.03.20 10.53
*YAWN*
I'm so tired lately. I was going to write more last night but the headache i was fighting since Borders got so much worse and i couldn't stand it. I don't understand why certain types of lights mess with my head like that. I don't know... i just hope i don't get any more headaches any time soon. I miss everyone back at school. I can't wait to get back to movie nights and working my ass off unitl 3 am trying to catch up in Nutrition and Gerontology since i slacked off in them because of stupid PhyChem. It was kinda worth it though. I got an 89! Lets hope i can balance everything a little better when i get back. I shouldn't settle for not studying and getting 70's.
I miss Fise so much now. It seems like i haven't seen him for a long time since i haven't been able to talk to him. I miss that. I can't wait to get back to school to see him tomorrow.
My parents are so weird. They stood over me and read the first few lines and then gave me a lecture on sleeping and how spring break is the best time to catch up on sleep.... My Parents Are Crazy! well once again my headache is coming back so i should be off to bed. Sarah is goign to be here at 12 tomorrow to pick me up so we can head back to school. Why do i get so many headaches? GOODNIGHT WORLD!
P.S. Thanks Adam for coming with me to visith Sarah. Without you i wouldn't have gone and it was fun to hang out with you and drive you car *evil grin*. You made the 2 hour trip and getting lost multiple times fun. (you have to send me that soundtrack too from American Beauty. It's soo awesome! )
Mood:  groggy
Music: none... stupid crappy comp
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2004.03.19 23.02
wOOt!
I'm back from Sarah's house and was that fun... it's all that i needed to feel better. We went to Albany and it was so much fun. I took lots of pictures of the cathedral there and we just kinda wandered aimlessly around the city. The ride home too was fun. I got to drive Adam's car. :-D Now i have a stupid headache though and i'm proably going to bed soon. I can't wait to get back to school. I miss everyone expecially Feissal. Whenever i call him he's too busy or i can't talk long. I feel bad. Well it's time for me to go to bed because my sister and my mom are going to get up at 3 am. They aren't exactly quiet either in the morning so i'm proably going to wake up too. Goodnight!
Mood:  calm
Music: American Beauty Soundrack
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2003.11.01 13.14
Wow!
I can't believe that it's been that long since i've updated my journal... a lot of things have happened since then... i have found love and it is wonderful. Fise is great and i can't believe how happy i am... School is going great. I am on probation but i am doing really well in my classes this year so it shouldn't be a problem. i love life
Mood:  Headache
Music: Daniel Bettingfeld~If Your Not The One
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2003.02.13 19.19
Bad Loud Music... die...
Annoying people annoy me. What is accomplished by blaring music louder than the other person? When my room is in between all of it... grr... i can't even stand it right now. Because of them i have a headache. I have two exams and a paper due tomorrow and because of them i can't think or stand up strait for that matter... well whatever. I have to go and try and study again... probably won't work. Just please promise me you will never blast your music in my ear to beat the person next store. That's all i ask.
Mood:  working
Music: Avril Lavigne-My World
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2003.02.13 19.19
Bad Loud Music... die2...
As i sit there rocking back and forth in my safe haven of my imagination a steady beat pounded on my head... ugh... They are fighting again over the music. Standing up i open up my door scream some random obcenity and slam my door... wait... i should have done that!
Mood:  aggravated
Music: Avril Lavigne-My World
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2003.02.09 01.07
WoW!!!!
My world is ever changing for the better. I can't believe what has happened in the last week. It was suppose to be a horrible week with my Poppy (grandfather) going in for surgery but now everything is differant... it's like i'm seeing through different eyes. I Thank God that he's ok and doing very well right now... but something is different with me. Something happened. Everything seems to have more detail than before and i just keep smiling. Every time i even start thinking about anything my heart is filled with a smile. I guess it's because someone has shown me that i am someone special. I didn't know before but now i have someone to tell me everyday. Thanks Feissal.
Mood:  loved
Music: anything happy!!!
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2003.01.26 00.08
It's a Small World After All!
After living in a small town in Western Mass i've learned to accept the fact that i would spend the day staring at a computer screen playing Spider Solitaire or at the TV playing PS2. My life never really seemed to change. Every day was the same and there was nothing i could do about it. The world felt so small. Finally i came to Umass Lowell and i learned that the world was bigger than it seemed. I know that proably sounds stupid but it seemed to expand and scare the crap out of me. Life is so much more complicating when you actually live it. Well i'm living here and i have learned so much. Not only am i learning my book work but i am learning who i am and where i fit into in this crazy corrupt world. It's gotten a lot easier because my friends are always by my side to help me though everything. UML's Bourgeois Hall is a community in itself and i've learned to rely on all the people in it. I'm proud to report that i can see the world now. It's not as scary as it seems when you first see it. Just trust me. Don't be scared to live life because life is worth living.
Mood:  lonely
Music: Good Charlotte- Young and Hopeless
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2003.01.13 12.40
Dreams
I just can't stop thinking about everything... the future, past, present, who i am, and who everyone else is. But nothing seemed to be answering my questions. In fact, the more i think about it, the more questions my brain seems to be adding to the list. My favorite one is do dreams actually represent reality? i know it sounds silly but could dreams, the rational and normal ones, actually represent what will or has happened in reality itself? Freud, as stupid and ignorant as he was, saw that dreams were formed from the sub-conscience and the thought that goes on unconsciously. I agree in a sense but not completely. I believe that there are some dreams out there that can predict the future or help decifer the past... Just think about this the next time you remember a dream. Just think about how i can affect you future. Now i'm off to go explore my dreams and test if my theory is true... Sleep well all...
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sillyb409's journal